Day 33 1/14/05 - memories of the Amish
A cheerful light skinned, plump, black man just walked into the train car. He announced, “Tickassss Out! Take ya ‘tam!” I asked, “How ya doin?” He said, “Fine, sounds like the train’s fawlling apaaaart.”
The train was making a lot of noise. I said goodbye to everyone today. I didn’t stop to say bye to Elizabeth, Naomi, Peter or Susan. The driver was ready and I felt bad making him wait. I shouldn’t have felt bad, I should have said goodbye. I played a final best 2 out of 3 in Ping-Pong with George. He beat me both times. He is the official “Grass Fed Farm Ping-Pong Champion.” He is the “Organic Ping-Pong Champion.” I told him that I am going to come back and surprise him one day and ask for a rematch. I want to catch him off guard so I might have an advantage.
I’m going to miss them, not in a huge way. Enough to make me think fondly of them. I’m sitting on a train with all of these English. I feel different, even more different from them now. I don’t want this feeling to end. I only want it to grow stronger. I don’t want to watch TV, radio, music or movies. I don’t want to want to do those things(1).
I think of all the years that I’ve wasted watching TV with my family. We could have been out taking a walk, throwing the Frisbee, talking, creating memories. I feel angry at a society that has taken this from me. It has warped the minds of the people I love, destroyed their health, cheapened our relationships. I don’t know how to feel or who to be angry at. I just want everything to be okay. I want my family to be okay.
I want my dad to not die soon and have his health(2). I want him and my mom to make money and feel secure. I want them to have occupations that are meaningful and help people. I want them to be fulfilled. I want to have a loving relationship with my brother. I want him to love me and want to spend time with me. I want to make my parents happy and proud of me. I want to make money doing something that I love and that helps people. I want to surf, in warm waters, really, really well. I don’t know how many of these things are going to come to pass.
I’ve been finding out that generally, what I feel, comes to pass. Half of me is confident and filled with purpose, the other half is scared, timid and has low self-esteem. Am I going to make money? Am I going to have to go to another school and learn more? Am I going to have to learn about astrology and start doing that? Am I going to have to start eating raw food all the time? I don’t want to be anything else. Massage therapist, Nutritionist, Chef, Astrologer. I just want to be Nate, surf and help people. The train just passed a parking lot where I saw a kid doing BMX jumps.
2. Several years before that, my dad almost died in the hospital from a “heart infection”. The doctors had to saw through his chest and replace part of his heart with a pig’s. The doctors said that he probably got the infection from flying on a plane. I do not agree with their theory. I have eaten raw chicken brains, poop, raw meat, raw dairy and 5 month of buffalo kept in a glass jar on my stairwell at room temperature since I was at that Amish farm. I have not died and have only gotten stronger because of it. I know hundreds of people who eat that same food and they are healthy. How could “some bacteria on a plane” have almost killed my dad, if I eat bacteria and pathogenic-laden food every day and feel great! No one has been able to answer that for me yet. Healing my father has been one of the driving forces behind my quest for health.